Required: New Attitude
I need a short snappy phrase that I can say to myself that reminds me that Al didn't pick this, Al can't help the way he is, Al is trying the best he can and that after all, for right now he is living a pretty good life and he is doing so because of what I have done and I need to remember that I have been pretty successful at that. Muttering "jesus, fu...idiot" "moron" or "can you be more useless?" under my breath is really not doing it. And I know that. But those phrases comes to my mind easier than ....well some snappy phrase that I need. These negative thoughts make me negative, angry, frustrated. It is not doing either of us any good. I know in my heart that if he had a clue what was going on he would be devastated. A working man all of his life, doing, accomplishing, productive. This? my god, he wouldn't be able to stand it. He understands some things, some phrases, but really I can't remember since there was actual conversation (that made any sense), I hate how when we are out I watch like a hawk, where he is, who he is talking to, can he find his way to the bathroom, and more importantly come out in a respectable fashion. I hate how my time is spent organizing care, activities, cleaning up, hiding things, constantly looking for things I should have hidden because it came into his line of vision and he has picked it up and it is....I hate how the minute he is bored he wants to go home. You are home!!! or how he will say "there's nothing for me" because I am busy doing something and no one is around to keep him occupied. I hate how it takes him 10 min to put on his shoes and then when he shows me, he is wearing one hiker and one runner. I hate shopping for depends, and ensuring he always has a change of clothes where ever we go. I hate him asking to see his mom and dad when they have been dead for years. I hate that he doesn't know the difference between shoes on and shoes off. I hate how when other people ask him how the day is the answer is Everyday is Fabulous, but when I ask, its Alright, Everything is just alright. It doesn't matter what I do, what I organize, what I cook, where I take him. It is Alright. But with me, its never Fabulous anymore. I hate how I lose my temper and glare at him. I hate how I take things out his hands and put them away. I hate how I finish his sentences to acquaintances, or add clarification because its pretty obvious that his last statement is a complete mystery. I hate how this is our life now. There is no peace for him unless his day has been so busy, he has walked so far and physically done so much that he is finally beat, And so no peace for me. A last hour of rest and relax before bed, a solid sleep till 6 or 6:30 then he is on his feet. And we start again. Another day.