New year

Jan 1/13 Its a new year.  Another year.  And there's the big question, can I do another year?  Took a weeks holiday and headed to Arizona for sun and fun in early Dec.  Then home, busy getting organizaed, Christmas, time off, time together. A lot of time together.  Too much.  I'm not writing because I can't focus on the positive, I can't keep the"good"in the front of my mind.  I'm thinking up childish things, maybe  I will hide his boots.  and all his runners?  hikers?  Mine too?  Washed the floor today and it lasted about 1/2 hour before he came in from sweeping that skiff of snow off the sidewalk and walked all over the clean floor.  I can't make him understand, or is it agree? Or just quit? - SLIPPERS in the house.  As soon as he is bored fro more than 2 min its shoes on, boots on.  Can't you just do what I ask?  And he just looks at me.  Sometimes I think that now he hears what the cat hears   "Al, blah, blah, go, blah, blah, NO, blah, blah, AL!"

I refused an invitation over the holidays.  People from work.  Would have been really nice but as only a very few who know (including the host) I just saw it as one long awkward night.  I mean I hardly know what he's talking about 3/4 of the time.  A group who only know him to see him?  And being the big visitor he is, loves people, loves to visit...  "do you mean when that big guy went under and all the others were drinking, and then the cat followed and then everyone laughed and then we all went down the hill."  Nope, didn't need to see those confused faces thanks.   

And so now, I find the New Year to be pretty depressing.  Really, what should I look forward to? Language skills deteriorating even more, finally will get really lost trying to walk home and losing that one last little piece of independence that he has.  Wrecking more things around the house. Seeing more conspiracies, latest being a saint of a woman who has been nothing but very kind, supportive and giving of her time and energy to him "She's a thief!"  She knows it is not really him, but I think her feelings are a bit hurt anyway.  What else will the new year bring?  Struggles to tie own shoes now, $1 says that is gone in 2013.  Eating habits getting just a bit odd - how much longer will we be able (and welcome) to go out to restaurants with friends?  Zellers has big sales - I bought 4 pairs of gloves, all the same cause I know that he just keeps losing them and I thought, well hey - replace one a time.  And without a doubt - more drugs.  Doc has already suggested we can keep those little delusions at bay...

I don't believe that good long term care exists.  One bath a week - he often needs 2 a day.  Never to go out and about walking as he likes, no cats to snuggle on the bed with.  No sweeping/shoveling doing anything he believes is helpful and feels so good about.  It will all be taken away.  And it will have nothing to do with him and what he needs.  It will be me.  When I can't do it anymore. 

This is Alzheimers and I am Alz wife. 

 

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