Recognizing the end

Dec 6/14 I haven't even opened my eyes but I am listening. I vow that today I will hold my temper:  no sarcstic  remarks, no short comments, one day, I just need to get through one day.  That little cough, maybe the indication that he will soon be up, but maybe, just maybe, a break - and he will sleep a bit longer.  I sneak downstairs and start the coffee.  I get a cup and actually read for almost 20 minutes before he is up.  Good morning honey!  Can I get you a coffee?  Would you like to have your cofee in bed?  or do you want to hit the shower?  But the stench is overwhelming so when he says it doesn't matter I start the shower.  and despite the promises to myself the first argument starts in the shower.  Always a private man , he doesn't like anyone touching him, but since feces is stuck to his testes, ther is no choice but to coach, coax, beg, c'mon honey, just quick, we will gt it cleaned up and you will feel better.  his temper is rising, that's enough of that!  I scrape excess out of the shower and clean it. and clean the floor, and taker out of the garbage.  He is showered, shaved, and dressed, protesting all the way with the indignity of it all.  3 immodium last night and still a mess.  An hour later and we start again. I am tippeed off because of the smell and now I am really begging, pleading.  He is furious, betrayed, why is this happening?  Why indeed?  2 loads of laundry in and its not even 10 am.

I have spent all day, the sweet begging little voice, always asking, always in the positive tone that says it is up to him - do you want to go to safeways, do you want to go for a walk?  My eyes watching every person who comes within talkng distance, ever watchful for an inappropriate comment, waiting for an ugly sarcastic remrk directed towards some unsuspecting soul. 

I am so done!  But what are my options  AHS facilities do not provide dementia care.  They provide assisted living with  a locked door.  Not the same.  I could do it. But how long will it last?  And then? EVERY report from my predecessors is bad.  Out the door, we cant handle it here, 4 weeks, 6, 8 in hospital, totally unequiped as well. Trapped.

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