July 9/11 The look on my face tells him he has picked the wrong thing. Again. He has failed. Again. Hey, I left my glasses in the truck, can you grab them? He returns with my new shoes in hand, sees my face, and knows…WRONG! He phones me at work, “I can’t get the lawn mower going.” Ok, and then I suddenly remember “but don’t’ put any gas in”. Well, too late now he says. CRAP I am sure that when I get home I will find that he has put gas in the oil AGAIN. “Don’t worry about it, we will get it going tomorrow” but he can hear it in my voice and he knows, he has failed. Again. This is what I do, little by little, break him down with small defeats. Until he will give up. Sometimes I don’t’ think it is alz at all. I think he/they just don’t want to be here anymore. I think that is true for Al, and I think it was true for his mom. Her life sucked, and he perceives that his does as well. At least he thinks it did. He hit 50 and was not wealthy, not retired. No he was either working like a dog and dead tired but with money coming in, or not working and that didn’t take long for me to be ticked all the time. No way out, no alternative, just withdraw. And I think that just kept happening, until he was so withdrawn that it is seen as something else.
I have so much to do, but if I do errands without him, he has nothing to do. Just wandering a bit around the house - going for a walk which will be around the block. But if I do things with him, , I can't get my stuff done - banking, housework. And what about the things I want to do? Do I have to give all of that up too?
June 27/11 I see people looking at him now, questions in their eyes. Something is wrong, but they can't put their finger on it. He's too young, so the answer isn't there for them, they can't imagine what it is but they know it isn't the same old Al. Of course, I am constantly amazed at how many people don't know or suspect anything which goes to show you just how much people talk and don't listen. He just keeps smiling, nodding and saying the odd, yep, right, oh yea, and a comment and they think all is ok. Wow, how far from the truth can that be? I'm freaked cause he is really sliding. The change in meds was a disaster. And the whole research thing a complete fuckup, I am so frustrated! Called Dr I and he advised to wait and see if drug test #2 actually becomes a reality. I was ok with that a few weeks ago, but sometimes I think he is changing weekly. What happens when they do the mini-mental next time? I am worried that if he has dropped too much they will not cover the drugs because they think it will be a waste. Then we are truly screwed. I mean it’s not like this is working now, but you have to have something! An old friend asked about him last week. She has not seen him for a long time and knows that something is wrong. I told her and she was shocked and sad. We have talked since and they want to help - says her spouse, who was once a friend of Als a number of years ago wants to get together with him once/week or so - we will see what happens. We grew apart over the years, you know life changes. Everyone has problems - sometimes mine don't seem so bad. But here it is 3am, I can't sleep.